Musings of a marginally sane feline-appreciating female.

Before I start, if anyone would like to give me 1-3 years of living expenses so I can fully research, explore & document tavern & bar culture in the US, please click the link right below “Need To Email Me?” in the upper right hand corner of your screen.

So, tonight I was up at my local watering hole not too long before last call.*  It was freakishly busy for a late Wednesday night (seriously, what sporting event did I overlook?) and so I was standing for a bit while chatting with a friend.  Then the chair next to me opened up – and I asked the woman in the salmon shirt – “Are you leaving, because if not, I don’t want to take your seat.”  Oh no, no problem – the seat next to hers was open, so everyone had a place to sit.  And the next time I looked, she was gone – or so I thought.

A bit later, I saw her standing around one of the 4-tops – and heard her say, “No, no – show me your drivers license!”  And I thought she was joking around and it was a, “There is no way you’re 35 years old” thing or something like that.

Then I saw her running to the bartender WAVING AROUND HIS ID saying it was an “illegal ID!” (still thought she was joking) and that he was a Chinese spy. (What The EverLoving Fuck?)  Bartender took the ID away, gave it to its rightful owner, told her to leave the other bar guest alone, and better yet… JUST LEAVE.  The manager re-iterated this position.

At which point she loudly proclaimed that she would be calling the police about the Chinese spy at the bar.  Yay, because that is exactly what the manager needs, to explain that the reason the very drunk woman was asked to leave the bar is because she was accusing an Asian guest of being a Chinese agent.

I can’t remember the last time I was so fucking embarrassed – and I don’t even know this woman.  Sure, we all have those moments when someone we know gets too drunk, maybe gets sick, says something kinda stupid.  But talk about “Never Have I Ever” – seen someone accusing someone of being a Chinese spy is a first.  And know her or not, as a regular customer, and an American who actually gets Lady Liberty’s message, and a fucking human being – I was mortified.

Not just for her (and not really for her very much,) but for the fact that I didn’t figure out her terrible fucked up endgame sooner – on the off-chance I could have somehow prevented it.

Honestly – if you see spies in every person that isn’t a WASP, please don’t come to my bar, ever.  My fellow guests are from anywhere and everywhere and while it’s certainly within the realm of ridiculous possibility that someone might be a spy for someone else – at this time of night – they’re just there to have a beer and unwind from the day.  DON’T STEAL THEIR ID’S AND ACCUSE THEM OF BEING SPIES!

In the end, she didn’t call the cops (on herself) but went down to the market at the same shopping center, and they called the cops for her.  The “Chinese spy” is still on the loose in NoVa.

If I see him again, I’ll buy him a beer.

Seriously, don’t be THAT asshole.  And I’d never thought before tonight that “accusing someone of being a Chinese spy” would be part of the definition  “THAT asshole” – but there you go.

Don’t be THAT asshole.

*I am what I would call a “late night regular” – should you wander into the bar right before last call, yeah, I will probably be there.  But I haven’t been there since happy hour started at 5PM, I’ve probably been there a half hour at the most.  My “happy hour” is no longer than anyone else’s, it is just shifted by about 6 hours.