Musings of a marginally sane feline-appreciating female.

It’s time for the 11th annual Bull City Foodraiser!!

This is an annual fundraiser I’ve donated to since at least 2017 and been a matcher on since 2021. Now more than ever, we’re all acutely aware of food insecurity here in the US, and this fundraiser works to fill the gap for families in Durham, NC over the school holiday break.

It’s gone from “Can we feed a classroom?” to “We’re filling 5,000 bags with food” over the years, and I love that it makes a *tangible* positive difference, and it also shows how many people care about their fellow humans.

There’s also a bunch of matchers, including me! Even the smallest donation gets a bunch added to it. I’m adding $2 per donor on the first 500 donors. Even a $1 donation multiplies.

(Greg is trying to find where he saved the tracking spreadsheet, with more matching info, but if this year is like any other – there will be lots of matchers, and he’ll update the thread on Bluesky.)

Click through to Greg’s thread above with the Foodraiser history, donation links, and whatnot and go forth and spend my money, and let’s feed some kids.

Even before the events on Wednesday, I’ve noticed Republican voters – who are getting punched in the face by this administration – being very bent out of shape over what they perceive as a lack of empathy from the left.

I consider myself a fairly empathetic person, and I’ll admit my tank is a bit low these days with everything happening in the country and the world, but I will say this:

I voted for better things not just for myself, but for you, too. For all of us. In Kamala Harris & Tim Walz we had two very smart, talented, caring people. They wouldn’t have started trade wars, governed via vengeance and childish impulse, abandoned our allies, and terrorized the public.

But you said empathy was a weakness, thought it was weird that Walz’ son openly loved his Dad, and Kamala Harris had the audacity to be a smart, black, very qualified woman. Sure, you said she laughed too much, was out of touch for having nice earrings and shopping at the Le Creuset store, slept her way to the top, whatever, but be honest, she was a black woman and you couldn’t stand that.

So you chose someone who appealed to the worst in you, and gave you permission to be your worst out in the world. Your leaders engage in violent rhetoric, stochastic terrorism, and are hell bent on destroying the economy – and they were clear about that in the campaign, so you can’t say you didn’t know.

Yep, it sucks for you. I didn’t want this for you. I don’t want people to struggle and live in fear.

And Charlie Kirk? He wasn’t a good person, and I won’t miss him, but I can still say political violence hurts all of us.

You screamed for vengeance. In your bloodlust you scrambled to see the video and instantly regretted it, because it’s not like the movies and video games. And then you found out the call was coming from inside the house, and boy did the tune change.

You’re mad that the empathy you think is so weak – and rarely extend to others – is not overflowing in your direction.

But I don’t think you actually want empathy. I think you want absolution for your decisions last November that put us all here.

And I can’t give you that.

But I am still here, flailing around but getting through as best I can.

Not exactly a newsflash, but things in the US suuuuuuck. ICE, CBP, & DOJ are completely out of control – kidnapping and trafficking people, due process out the window, and the courts just will not hold them to account. The courts will order them do stop being complete shitbirds, they don’t stop, and then nothing happens.

Dipshit in chief is ruining the economy with the tariffs. Manufacturing is DOWN, job openings are DOWN, and the Fed has said they’re not doing shit about interest rates without “clarity” on tariffs.*

Oh, and the shortages have started. Right now for me, it’s only cat stuff**, but more will come. Good fucking times.

Oh, and the administration is still destroying the government. And I don’t think people understand how easy it is to break things and how hard it is to fix them – this will take so long and cost so much to rebuild.

My rage towards the people who put us here – from institutions that utterly failed us to people who decided to stay home last November – knows no bounds at this point. Especially those who stayed home as some kind of protest over US policies on Israel/Gaza. Not only are things NOT AT ALL better in Gaza, everything is exponentially worse for everyone on the fucking planet.

I understand wanting to take a principled stand. But maybe you should have elected someone where you would have more than a snowballs chance in hell of influencing policy instead of giving the keys to the fascist that will traffic you to another country if you disagree with him.

One very bright spot is watching the elections in Canada & Australia and seeing people not be fooled by the hateful liars on the right and reject them wholeheartedly. So, good job watching and learning from our heinous mistakes here!

Work is…well, it’s work and I’d rather be retired, but I have not won the lottery. I still enjoy the actual work, the majority of days I like my coworkers, and breaking in my new manager continues. (Nothing bad happened, my old manager just had way too much on his plate, so some of us were moved to a different manager. Who now has too much on *his* plate.)

The executives are embracing AI, not just inside our products, but as internal tools. They want the devs to use AI agents so they can be more productive without having to pay more devs, or pay the existing devs more. (Yes, a director did accidentally say the quiet part out loud on that one.) Mind you, our devs are quite productive and the problem isn’t them, it’s executive planning and proclamations that are utterly unrealistic.

So, that’s annoying, but whatever.

Despite it all, Sean and Jorge continue to be awesome and keep me grounded.

* I can’t find where I read this about the Federal Reserve, but it was within the past 24 hours.
** I say “only” as though this isn’t bad – it’s bad. You try explaining to a cat what is going on and why you’re rationing their treats.

I need a thesaurus for new words for awful, there is no debating that this is all awful.

But living through it all is just really, really strange. Just whipsawing between the day-to-day stuff, and trying to stop the fall of the republic.

Yesterday, I had to go to the outlet mall to buy jeans – boring and unimportant, but I needed pants – and during lunch I see the President has put out a statement indicating he has no intention of staying within the bounds of the law and/or a hella call to violence, depending on how you read it.

Nothing like one moment being pleased that you branched out style-wise with your new jeans, then looking at your phone while taking a bite of your sandwich and then thinking, “Um, I am not sure this ends the way the President thinks it will.” Followed almost immediately by discovering that folks involved in nuclear weapons security were fired and now they want them back but don’t know how to find them. But I also needed to finish my lunch, because damn, I was hungry.

Then there is work, where you’d never EVER know anything was going on outside the company walls, despite the fact that over half the US employees are under threat by their own government. This while drafting notes for calls to my fed reps, and letters to my state/county/local folks asking, “So, what happens when the federal government fails?” while also not forgetting that client meeting at 3, and not screaming at anyone.

Then it’s “I really need to polish & waterproof my black flats, and the water stick things in the houseplants need to be switched out, and oh look, DOGE has posted classified information on an insecure public facing website.”

And invariably, at least once a day someone posts, “Well, whatever you think you would have been doing in Germany in the 30’s, you’d better be doing it now.” Fuck me, I don’t know what I would have done then and I am not really sure I know what I should be doing now, but at least I know donating to the food bank & the LGBTQIA+ youth group helps *someone* because nothing else is working.

Plus, do not fall into despair every time you read that your reps don’t look at written comms (which is ableist as fuck and makes our reps inaccessible) and your phone call won’t mean much because you don’t have a “story” because you haven’t been punched in the face by this administration *yet* and just caring very deeply about the hurt and harm somehow isn’t particularly compelling. But definitely do not despair.

As I try to process the chaos and figure out how to fight back, all the mundane stuff goes on, because it has to – clean the litter box, make sure the bills get paid, don’t forget to eat, and topple the government with a cheery fighting face. Bonus: Whatever you’re doing, someone will gleefully tell you that you’re doing it all wrong.

IT’S FUCKING WEIRD, RIGHT?

If you’re outside the United States, I’m not sure I can properly describe the chaos of the last two weeks. Hell, I can barely get my arms around it all and I live here.

We’re basically watching the republic crumble in real time. The vast majority of the Democrats seem to be doing little more than wringing their hands and going, “Wow, this sucks.” Elon Musk – an unelected, unconfirmed, private citizen has gotten access to the most sensitive payment & personnel systems we have, and has locked himself in the Office of Personnel Management.

Trump has started a massive, illegal (not that law matters anymore) trade war with Mexico and Canada. Those countries have rightfully responded with “Fuck you, we can do the same thing.”

The rest of the world needs to treat us as dictatorship run by complete sociopaths, because that is what we are now.

Digital book burning has started with all kinds of government information & research papers being yanked off the internet. References to anything involving diversity, equity, inclusion, and accessibility in government publications is being scrubbed. If you’re not a straight, white, Christian male, you basically don’t exist in the eyes of the government anymore.

Then we have the immigration raids. Migrant workers aren’t going to work, which is understandable. They’re doing it solely on skin color, as evidenced by indigenous Americans and other non-white citizens being swept up in them. The “border czar” Tom Homan is mad at Chicago because folks are educated on their rights. Die mad, fascist fuck. (Which reminds me, I need to print out red cards today.*)

Folks are about to find out the hard way how much we depend on migrant labor – documented or undocumented – for our food supplies. This sure as shit isn’t gonna make those grocery bills any better.

And 67 people died in an airline crash this week. After the FAA director was fired, Air Traffic Controller hiring was frozen, the Aviation Safety Advisory Committee disbanded, and then the “quit or get fired” demand sent to existing employees.** But the administration & Republicans are insisting that DEIA is the culprit, not that anyone could possibly be slightly distracted by all the fucking chaos and uncertainty.

They’re also trying to get all the government employees to quit. At least on that front, the reaction seems to be “I will die at my desk, you fascist fucks.”

We have been failed on so many fronts. From the last administration just letting everything roll along like everything was fine and just kicking the can down the road as far as any guardrails on democracy, to the media just sucking up to Trump and not bothering to actually report on his plans, to the voters and non-voters who put us here.

And then you have Corporate America, which does not appear to give any fucks whatsoever. My own company has not even acknowledged that anything is happening. To look at LinkedIn, you’d think everything was fine in the US.

So my week was split between trying to figure out how and where I can help people and fight back, and dealing with last minute bugs dumped on me at the end of the test cycle, picking up the ball where a coworker dropped it three fucking weeks ago, and dealing with butthurt over my having the audacity to ask, “Yo, did you tell P that you reassigned this bug so he knows who is testing it now?”

All that when I want to say “Y’all understand the goddamned country is burning to the ground, right?” And I know it’s by design. If folks are too worried about losing their jobs, they won’t pay attention to what’s going on outside of work.

Bitch, I can multitask.

I’m taking care of myself so I don’t lose my damn mind. I’m constantly writing and calling my elected representatives. (Not that it seems to matter, but I do it anyway.) I’m making donations to the local food bank, and local LGBTQ+ youth support group. I’ll be printing those red cards out today to give away, leave in tip jars (with money, I’m not an asshole) and generally get them anywhere out in the wild.

Also trying to avoid companies that are embracing this fucking administration – it’s hit or miss, but I’m trying my best.

I thank the universe every day for these two ridiculous fuzzy buddies. Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day on the couch with Sean sacked out in my lap. It’s like having a little weighted lap blanket. Jorge decided to have hella zoomies not once, but twice yesterday and we had a very good time with that. Sean is currently perched on the arm of the sofa next to me giving me headbutts.

I don’t know how we stop this. I don’t know how it ends. But I do know there is probably no going back – whatever is ahead of us, it’s never going to look like it was on November 4th, 2024. Things will get very ugly, and probably violent. But I will continue to do what I can to not give in, not spiral into despair, and to help others.

If you’re outside the US and already feeling the fallout from this, I’m so truly sorry. I will never understand how Trump was able to run again, much less why people voted for him other than hate & ignorance.

If you’re inside the US… Take care of yourself, mentally and physically. Remember to eat, take your meds, drink your water, take a walk, do some yoga, turn off the news (you’ll find things out, trust me.) Pick one or two things to focus on – we are a wildly diverse group and that’s how we work on everything. Annoy your elected representatives, constantly. Protect your community. Spread joy and hope wherever you can. I want us all to get to the other side.

*Red card – English – pdf
*Red card – Spanish – pdf
** Thank you Greg Doucette for the timeline on this.

And damn, that was a lot – I’ve *significantly* cut back on my news consumption, and it was still a firehose. But, I keep putting one foot in front of the other, because I don’t know what else to do.

Hat tip to Cobalt over on Mastodon for mentioning she was concerned about a full on economic crisis and feeling the need to stock up on some things. It had been rattling around in the back of my head as well, but she did bring it to the forefront, because even if the government does keep limping along (and I think it will) – I think Trump is still going to say or do something stupid and totally fuck up supply chains. (Plus, bird flu is not gonna help, no matter how much the administration pretends it doesn’t exist.)

So, yesterday I picked up some extra proteins for the freezer, topped off the “power outage cash stash”, and today was paper goods day. This weekend I’ll be going through the pantry to clear out any out of date stuff, take inventory and do a shop to fill in the blanks. Right now the preliminary list is rice, beans, spaghetti, tomato sauce, canned soups, peanut butter, flour, sugar, and yeast. (I bake a mean french bread.)

I’d also been thinking lately that it might be nice to have a little upright freezer for some extra frozen food storage, but they all say they should be on a dedicated circuit and I don’t think we have a spare circuit in the house, which is a bummer. But, I did have a bit of an “Oh, wait, what about this?” moment this morning. A countertop ice maker would a) be a nice thing to have anyway, b) would free up a good chunk of freezer space, and c) would be a fair amount cheaper. That plus better freezer tetris should be sufficient, I think.

I cannot tell you how pissed off I am that I have to do this. It took me a while to realize how fucking traumatized I was from the last time the shelves went empty, and how I felt real icky if I didn’t have a backup of everything. And it eventually went away, and dammit, here we are again.

I can’t help but think about how I kept hearing, “You should have 2 weeks of food on hand” during the Covid supply chain mess – and I still don’t really know what that looks like for me! Like, IDK, 14 Stouffers and 7 big cans of soup?

I know, I know – be ready so you don’t have to get ready – but when it comes to food shopping, I am a “get what I need when I need it” person and I am not great AT ALL with trying to plan more than a few days ahead. But I guess I’m gonna get better at it, and remember to take things out of the freezer the day before. (That is a fucking STRUGGLE for me.)

This afternoon I’m hitting up the hair salon, which feels extra selfish and indulgent right now, but my silver-purple hair has become a bit of armor for me. It’s the mildest of Fuck You’s I can give to the establishment, but it is a Fuck You nonetheless. Plus I want to do my part to keep food on the table for Sunnie & Micha who take such good care of me every six weeks. So, it’s kinda-sorta community care, too, right?

And I’m gonna leave all this on a good note with my ridiculous, wonderful, furry buddies. Sean has the t-shirt because he licked himself a hot spot on his shoulder and that’s healing up. (He had some naked time yesterday and was immediately, “IMMA GONNA LICK IT!”) Jorge is just adorable Jorge every day. Well, they’re both adorable, and I’m so glad we all found each other.

OK, most days I can’t even with it.

Let me preface this with: I like the work I do, I like enough of my coworkers, I know it’s pretty much shit everywhere, and the job market is garbage, so “Go somewhere else” isn’t helpful. But that doesn’t mean things don’t drive me up a fucking wall, and sometimes a rant is needed.

So, 2024 was a really good year at my company. We hit a milestone we’ve been chasing for revenue – it’s a nice shiny round number and it’s nice to hit it. Revenue growth is better than industry average by a decent amount, which is great. We’re profitable and our profit grew nicely year over year as well, with a good margin to boot. Parent company is on track to net about 1.4 billion with a B.*

So, you’d think the message would be, “Whatever you did in 2024, especially Q4, keep doing that!”

LOL, no. A fucking great year and it’s not enough to satisfy the greed of the investor class. The investor class that has been getting 22% a year since our parent company acquired us 8 years ago. (Yes, ups and downs, and stock prices don’t always reflect reality but rather “how well did you guess your results in advance” but still, 22 fucking percent.) But we have to focus harder on growth.

And before anyone chimes in with “Well, you should invest in your company!” – most of us aren’t making enough to put our eggs in that basket**, and there is also the whole “don’t shit where you eat” thing. We already invest ~2,000 hours a year in the company.

And I know my company isn’t unique. I know the goal of capitalism is to make sure that when money is exchanged for goods and services, as little as possible goes to the people actually making the goods and providing the services.

I know all this, but it’s just weighing heavier than usual this week, and the fact that I feel so very stuck in it. So much of the day to day necessities have to come through some multi-national corporation that is screwing over it’s employees at every level and probably giving a fuckton of money to fascists to boot. So much of my money just goes off into the ether where the folks doing the actual work don’t benefit.

And I try to be mindful of this, but we’re not exactly flush with small independent businesses where I live. That’s why I love the farmers markets, arts & crafts markets, and finding artists online so much. My money is going to the farm, small restaurant, baker, cheesemaker, artist – directly to those very real people. And I get food, sweets, cheese, and art in return! Banger of a deal if you ask me. Regular ol’ commerce with people is nice.

And I don’t have any good answers other than we all just try the best we can, and while there is “no ethical consumption under capitalism” it’s so often unavoidable anymore and we shouldn’t kick ourselves too hard over it. Cause if you’re getting artisanal handmade adderall, I think that might be meth? And we don’t all have access to farmers markets, or they not open year round, or there just aren’t a lot of small indie businesses, or Walmart is just all you can afford.

And my very small “fuck you” to capitalism and hustle culture today was to spend time sketching out one of my projects for my fused glass class next month. A class where the money goes to the instructor and local arts center and doesn’t just vanish into thin air, and I get back joy and pretty melted glass.

* That is a fuckton of unpaid wages per employee across all the subsidiaries. Like, life changing amounts of money that just seems to disappear. Also – publicly owned company, so I’m not disclosing anything confidential – parent Q4 numbers not official yet, I just did the math based on Q1-3 which is publicly accessible data.
** Hell, at rate things are going, we’re heading back to not being able to afford regular eggs, much less nest eggs.

My heart hurts so much for everyone in Los Angeles. I cannot even imagine how terrifying it must be to be there. The fires themselves – scary enough, but then there is so much uncertainty. So many people just going, “What do we do now?”

I know we like to say “things can be replaced, people can’t” – and it’s true up to a point.* But we all have some things that just can’t be replaced, and to just lose everything – that has to be so traumatic and overwhelming.

I’ve sent a donation to World Central Kitchen because I don’t really know what else to do – they’ve kind of become my go-to for disaster relief, because if nothing else, while I may not have any idea what the immediate needs are of folks in disaster areas, I do know that everyone needs to eat. And they handle that very well.

Then of course, everything else goes on, because it just does. We had a big snowstorm at the start of the week, and more last night, so that had to be dealt with, and work still had to be done, because bills still have to be paid. And it feels downright selfish to be stressed about shoveling snow and worrying about work when there are folks losing homes, livelihoods, just everything – cause I’m sure they’d much rather be shoveling snow right now.

There is the bonus of knowing insurance companies are scrambling to figure out how to deny as many claims as possible, because what better business plan is there than “take money and never provide services”? And companies like TikTok telling Los Angeles employees to use their PTO or sick leave in the midst of all this. (I’m sure they’re not the only one, they’re just a big one we’ve heard about. Fuck any company doing that.)

On top of this, we buried Jimmy Carter this week, our shitassed judicial system let Trump skate, Mark Zuckerberg decided to openly be the hateful ass we all knew he was, Elon Musk just continues to exist in the public sphere, and probably some other traumatic things I’ve already forgotten. You’re forgiven if what happened *last week* has already escaped your consciousness.

So if you’re tired, it’s OK and understandable. Wherever you are, stay as safe as you can, help where you can, and try to stay somewhat sane.

Hugs to all.

* And I think it’s easier for me to say because my brain is kinda fucked – I have Lots of Things in my house, but I don’t feel particularly attached to any of it, while I have lost many people over the years. Bonus for ADHD lack of object permanence – I am not sure I’d even notice what things I didn’t have anymore if it was all gone.

For a 3 1/2 day week, that was long. And I knew 2025 was going to be a mess, but I didn’t anticipate 2 domestic terrorism events in the first 12 hours. I am so heartbroken for the families of those who died, and for those who were hurt.

And in true, maddening American fashion, January 2nd it was full speed ahead as though nothing had happened. My entire adult life, every time something Very Bad has happened, it’s always “get back to work, press on, keep going, cause if you’re sad the Bad People win” and I suspect it’s because if we were really allowed to stop everything and truly grieve and reflect – we’d burn the country to the ground.

Myself, I found myself at work careening between “welp, gotta get shit done” and wanting to scream “what the fuck are we doing?”

I get that the world still spins on it’s axis, the bins need to get out, the pets need to be fed, dinner still needs to be made. But we so need to give ourselves the time and space to even breathe.

And on the heels of all this, it hit me that Monday is certification day. “But why would you worry, the Republicans won?” Because even though they won, their base is still fucking mad about it. The only saving grace that I think will keep stupidity to a minimum is that we’ll be getting somewhere between 5 to 10 inches of snow starting Sunday night.

I still won’t let 2025 break me.

You’d best strap in, because I am not stuck in here with you – you are trapped in here with me.

You and the horde of Republican domestic terrorist chucklefucks you’ve brought along for the ride – you will not break me.

I will help people.

I will make art.

I will find joy.

I will take care of myself and others.

And because I am a deeply flawed person, should we be lucky enough that any of these shitbirds keels over, I will be dancing on graves.

I will do something every day to annoy these terrorist twatwaffles. (Beyond just existing, even though that already annoys them – thought I may lean on it if it’s a busy day.)

I will annoy the everloving fuck out of all my elected representatives and yes, I will likely get myself on a watch list by emailing the White House every time they do something stupid or cruel. (Who am I kidding, I’m probably already on a list for all the times I’ve hollered at *this* administration.)

I will stick it to the man, gum up the works, fight the patriarchy, and probably say, “WE FUCKING TOLD YOU SO” a lot.

Tread fucking lightly, 2025.